Mending

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Sean has been doing cool mending on Benjamin’s favorite sweatshirt. I have been mending my whole self after breaking from the diabetes class.

I know I wrote about it, so if you read regularly, you know I was very upset. I can’t quite bring myself to reread it now, although I know today’s post might be more coherent if I did.

I’ve spent the past 8 weeks struggling mightily with my mental health. I was pretty broken – really didn’t understand why I couldn’t wrap my head around being diabetic and sticking to a low carb, low fat, no meat diet if it was what was required (and it was required, according the diabetes educator). I tried and tried to read about it and find answers, but diabetes is not a one-size-fits-all disease. One article will say half a banana is a great snack for a diabetic, while another says never eat another bit of banana as long as you live. The diabetes people really want you to eat a heart healthy diet, because heart attacks are two times more likely for diabetics than for regular people. My blood pressure has been extra whackadoodle, so heart healthy was realllly on my mind.

You know, the mind that was broken.

I had a really hard time thinking about anything else, because I was hungry all the time. The doctor had me pause my sleep aid in case it was messing with my BP meds, so I was sleeping 2-4 hours/night. I was completely falling apart. The doctor actually called our house one day because she was thinking about my BP, and Keith told her I was falling apart. She immediately made room for us to come in. I didn’t even know doctors could do that in 2023.

I pretty much sobbed through the entire 90 minute we were in the office with her. Please remember this was not me just being sad because I have to eat vegetables and can’t have treats. This was a broken brain that couldn’t stop thinking of diabetes and couldn’t understand diabetes and couldn’t think about anything else at all. At all.

Listening to the doctor explain a LOT of things and give very doable suggestions for dealing with diabetes and answering all of Keith’s questions and JUST BEING THERE – not judging, just helping – REALLY HELPED. Really helped. She said that nothing that I learned in the class pertained to me – I’m at too low of a level – and I should forget everything I heard there. That helped (Keith has been saying that since we left the class, but I needed an authority figure to say it, I guess). I also got some low-dose anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds which are supposed to help, too. I got new sleep aids. The doctor made several follow-up appointments for me while we were in the office. I didn’t know that was a thing, either.

I feel like myself for the first time in 8 weeks. I am very glad of that. I am very thankful for Keith having the patience of a saint, for waking up to me crying in the middle of the night (or morning, or afternoon, or evening) and just endlessly trying to talk me off my ledge. I haven’t been able to put too many sentences together for the potd, but I think I will be able to soon.