Five Years Later

Sunday, March 23, 2025

I heard several real people stories, radio comments, FB tales about February 2020 lately, that all end with ..then March 2020 happened and everything changed.

It seems like a really long time ago, and 15 minutes. I was thinking about how much I know I don’t remember, and it occurred to me that I wrote a “pandemic diary” for a very short time. I went looking for it. It so happens that it was just 5 years ago now. It is much longer than I remembered – I thought I quit after three days. Here it is – if you want to read it. It is realllly rambly. I was way more afraid than I remember.

Pandemic Journal

March 20, 2020

I have been in my house for 14 days, 2 hours, and 15 minutes. I came home from work sick two weeks ago and haven’t left. It hasn’t been difficult not to leave because I was feeling pretty lousy for most of the past two weeks. I have been fever free for 48 hours, and am really starting to feel like myself.

We have been watching tons of TV and movies – proud to be clearing off the DVR. Should I just delete Shield if I haven’t been interested in watching it, even when searching for things to watch out in the endless stream of choices? Obviously, the answer is yes, but I just can’t do it. I should at least look for the episodes on Netflix, because then there would be no commercials.

I have watched a few movies from the scratch off movie poster, because I like goals, and scratching off the entire poster is obviously an accomplishment.

I am trying to do my part and the only part I can play is by staying home and not coming into contact with anyone. Alexander is still going to work and that is good, because there should be someone working, somewhere, so the economy doesn’t completely stop. Would I rather he was just in his house, safely snuggling the Colby and wiggling the string for Sophie? Yes. Yes, I would.

One of the movies I watched early on in my illness was The Pianist. It is about the Warsaw Ghetto of WWII. There was nothing in it that I hadn’t heard or read about before – the atrocities of the holocaust – but seeing it, or seeing it again, or seeing it again in my not-so-healthy state really knocked me over. I guess the part that got me the most was that as the Ghetto is getting more desperate, there are dead people just left on the sidewalk/street, and foot traffic just kept going. Reality would have been that there was nowhere to take them, and no one that cared for them left. I really had a hard time shaking those images and more than a few moments during the night left me worrying that that is what the world would be coming to. Utter anarchy. As I make meals – twice a day! Cooking at home! – I wonder if the time will come when I remember eating until I am full as wasteful and wonder why I didn’t ration more. Those are scary thoughts. In the movie, as the family is waiting – they don’t know for what – they spend the very last of their money to buy a single very over-priced caramel. I was distressed about that frivolous waste of money. I am always distressed about wastes of money. They carefully cut it into 5 tiny pieces and shared it. Next four of them were taken away in box cars, and one can assume that was the last thing they ever ate. I have come back to that a number of times in the last 10 days. Not ever suspecting it would be their last food, they shared a treat. Comforting. Horrifying. Obviously not a frivolous waste of money.

I checked on Italy today and I probably shouldn’t have. It is not wrong to be up to date on what’s going on in the world, but there is also no real reason to know so much it scares you. I can do nothing. I don’t need to know. The death count is over 3000 people in Italy and hospitals are overrun. I saw pictures and read accounts of people gasping. Alexander needs to stop going to work. We need to hide. I am afraid.

But we go on. And there is so much to amuse and distract that during the daylight hours, it is easy to push away the scary and focus on the fun and interesting.

Nancy brought to my attention yesterday that the canals of Venice are visually clearing up, the smog over China is greatly reducing, and something else good about the environment. She said she heard a hypothesis that Mother Nature was tired of us not listening and sent a plague to make us pay attention. I take comfort in that. I am still hoping beyond anything that we get out of this soon, but maybe we can learn. Maybe we will learn.

Maren wonders what the future of schools will look like after this – if distance learning will change things. It makes me think of being in high school and being home with the chicken pox for weeks and how I had to catch up in Trig(?) without anything but the book, and I did better in that quarter than I did when I was in school. I did not have a choice. I had to do it, so I did. Anyway, I think schools are A MESS and anything that could change things would be good. There are lots of memes out there making jokes about parents not being able to handle their own kids “homeschooling” and that teachers should make a million dollars an hour, etc., but really the root of that are the root of the problem with education today. Kids have been raised to have their every whim fulfilled and have been entertained every moment of their lives and they do not want to put any effort into anything. They have no respect for adults, and just expect to do whatever they want. If this were 40 or 50 years ago, we would get the information and assignments into kids’ hands, and they would do and they would learn. I know…get off my lawn.

I was watching the family across the street play. Mom and Dad and Ellie and Isaac, while Naomi sat in a little chair with a doll in a stroller next to her, played ball. I have never seen them do that before. Everyone playing together. It took a pandemic. Interesting. Is it better than one parent playing while the other cooks dinner? Probably not. But interesting.

I read a poster

What am I grateful for today?

Who am I connecting with today?

How am I getting out today?

How am I moving my body today?

What beauty am I creating or cultivating or inviting in today?

I will answer those questions every day that I write.

Yesterday I was grateful most of the time people think I am best at things. I actually said that out loud and it felt so wrong and self-important and, and, I don’t know, but I felt it and I said it and it was real, so I am writing it here. It makes me feel good. Today I am grateful that there are lots of happy things around me to distract me from the terrible things going on.

I tried to motivate Marcos out of his self-inflicted boredom. It’s tough to self-motivate, especially when you’re 12.

I chose not to get out. It’s cold and I am IN. Now that I have achieved two weeks, maybe I will go out soon. Not yet.

I did my Pilates, I am on my way to moving 60 minutes according to my fitness phone tracker, and I “ran” .25 miles in 4.5 minutes.

I painted a piece of cardboard to be the mat behind a picture of Notre Dame that Benjin drew when he was a kid.

I will add one: What did I accomplish?

Yesterday, I organized up my socks. So far, today I have done nothing. But I might. I’ll let you know next time.

March 21, 2020

I just wished Keith, “happy your mom’s birthday.” He sounded surprised. Huh.

I keep thinking that I started this too late – that things are not going to change anymore, until we go back to normal. Then I start wondering if things will ever go back to normal. Anyway, Nancy pointed out today that they gathered for Jayne’s St. Patrick’s Day party a week ago and that they would consider getting together today. I thought it was a bit of a stretch a week ago but didn’t say anything because I thought I was being over the top. When this started (when was that? A year ago?) Maren and I kept asking each other if it was still just a flu, not Ebola, right? We did not understand it, because information was not coming very quickly. I blame the current president for being completely unable to tell the truth about anything, but more insidiously, for creating a culture in which no one believes anything that is printed or said. I started reading an article the other day and after a good start, it said, “according to the White House,” and I just closed it. It is truly hard to know what to believe, because there are SO MANY THINGS that people LITERALLY just make up. I can’t go on about that. It is too real and too awful. So, a week ago, people were in bars and restaurants. Now those are closed by law. There are states with hunker down laws in place – you can only go out for work, food, medicine, exercise, etc. That’s what we are already doing – not sure why everyone isn’t. I assume we don’t have the law here because everyone is already doing it.

I thought a lot about Alexander coming over today. I have decided that the next time an errand needs to be done, I better do it. Keith has a more recent history of bronchitis and pneumonia and so I am considering him at risk. Alexander is still going to work and seeing people. I don’t. I have been sick. With what? Don’t know, but sick. Germs could be in here. So, I don’t want him to carry anything in and I don’t want to give him anything that could make him sick or that he could carry out. I also didn’t want my child to feel sad or scared, so I told him my concerns and offered that if he was feeling that a meal and some Chopped would do wonders for his mental health, then he was healthy. He is as cautious as I am and has opted to pick things up from the garage and call it good. I offered to play charades through the front door; he offered to dance a little for the front door spy camera.

We watched Pat McCurdy streaming live on FB last night. We only caught a few songs, but it was enough to make me smile. We sent a few dollars, because obviously his livelihood is stopped and he has given us hours of entertainment in the past. Adam alerted me to it. I was very happy to connect with Adam. Nancy said there was a picture of Chase Bower watching – another generation! Jayne and David are having Jewell move in. Jayne was going to take her to Marlene’s but there are many people there, coming and going. Jewell does not need to be exposed to all of those people. I have thought of Mom so many times. I am glad she is not here and that I don’t have to worry about her.

We started watching Agents of Shield last night, recorded from several seasons ago. They jumped into the future and Earth is blown up. It was difficult to watch.

I hurt my ham string yesterday and was really out of commission last night. It felt a lot better today, but I am really taking it easy today, because I am old and don’t bounce back and there is no reason to hurt oneself. I really want to run 0.25 miles, because it felt good yesterday. Writing down that I want to do it, but think it is wrong is helping me not do it.

I am purposefully not looking at any news about the virus. I don’t need to know yet. I am happier not knowing. Now that I am feeling healthier, it feels a LOT weirder to just be in the house. I don’t feel like I want or need to go anywhere, but it feels weirder to be here. I am trying to put down my phone period. Too much mush brain.

I didn’t accomplish anything yesterday, beyond watching TV, messaging happy thoughts, and taking care of myself. All of those are good things.

Today I am grateful I do not have grandchildren. I am glad I do not have to worry about how they are doing in this pandemic and I am glad I don’t have to worry about the future of the world for them.

I connected with Nancy on the phone. She had a tough day yesterday and is doing better today.

I am still not going out.

I walked while on the phone and have over 60 minutes of moving and I did my Pilates.

I haven’t made anything or appreciated any art today. I plan to finish Liz’s Snow White birthday card (now that I am thinking I have to do something!)

Today, I am hoping to accomplish a lot of organization in the craft closet and making turkey pot pie for supper. We had pizza rolls for lunch.

March 22, 2020

I didn’t finish Liz’s card.

I stayed up really late last night worrying. Or trying not to worry, by playing on my phone. I woke up about 8am, and again just avoided reality by playing on my phone. I didn’t get out of bed until after 11.

Today, I really started worrying about food. Is there going to be food? Will I regret eating enough to be full right now? I actually asked Keith, and he said he didn’t know. Not comforting at all, but honest. Right now, there is food. I think. I haven’t been out, so I don’t know. I am steadily refusing to go out if I don’t have to. I have decided it is on me to go to the store the next time it is time to go to the store, but just the thought of it makes me really nervous. I keep thinking that this is an interesting exercise in using up the things in one’s house. Using up all the soap and the sauce and the stuff you will cupboards with. Will it be over before I get a chance? I have flashes that I think, “oh, no”, then bigger flashes of “OH YES.”

I saw the recipe for cream puffs as I started to make lunch. I know Alexander likes cream puffs, so I made them. They were really good. And really easy. It took 4 eggs and I wondered if I was wasting eggs. Would there be more eggs?

There was a lot of chatter on FB about making homemade facemasks for hospital or non-hospital use. Posts about donating masks that you may have had in the past for painting or whatever. There was a big post by a doctor that basically said, “We are the United States of America. Don’t fucking tell me to wrap a t-shirt around my face and go in and try to save lives.” I tried not to think about it. I did not read any news about Italy. On purpose.

There was a statement that MN had 129 or something number of cases. What a stupid thing to say. No one is being tested, so that number is so incredibly random and meaningless, but if you say it, someone will think it is real and not random and make some decision based on it.

I sent a note to Mike Larson, telling him I was concerned that Jonathan is still going to Endeavors. Joey is also going to work. Mike responded that God is keeping him safe…which honestly made me happy for him for having faith but made me want to throw my hands in the air at the same time. He also said they were keeping an eye on it. I said a lot of asymptomatic people seem to be spreading the virus and that we want him to be well. End. I was frustrated, but I did what I could. Not really. I could have gone on. I could have called. But the non- confrontational me was done. Please let Mike be okay. Do not ever let me think Darwin.

Keith hugged me today. He has touched my head to check for fever and kissed the top of my head good night a few times since I got sick, but no other touching. We took a nap together. It felt nice, but also scary. It seemed like we were cheating when cheating really didn’t HAVE to happen.

Alexander came over and danced in front of the spy camera. I was literally walking by and saw him and he scared the crap out of me. He stood outside and we visited. I hoped over and over and over and over that the little crack at the top of the door wouldn’t let germs in or out. I stood far away some of the time. I wanted to give him everything he could possibly want. He never wants anything. I gave him our chicken wings from the freezer, because he likes wings. He keeps mentioning that his grocery store was mostly empty. Again. I am slightly panicked. Maybe we should be getting takeout all of the time right now and hoard our food in the freezer. I keep thinking we are virtuous for not going out, even to take out, but what if we are making huge mistakes?

The stock market terrifies me.

Will we be able to sell our other house at the end of the month? Thinking about it literally nauseates me.

I called Dave today and Jayne answered. Jewell is at their house, as is Winnie, Liz’s cat. Dennis and Karen brought her on the plane last week. The condo doesn’t allow pets, so Winnie has been at a friend of Liz’s. Dennis and Karen’s dogs do not like cats, so now there is a cat at Dave and Jayne’s. Jayne didn’t sound too thrilled. I bet eventually they will like Winnie. People who do not own homes should never get pets.

Today I am grateful for internet to distract me.

Today I connected with Alexander, and Jayne.

Today I did not go out.

Today I moved 60 minutes and did my Pilates.

Today I didn’t do any art.

I accomplished moving all of the paper and crap and whatever out of the craft closet into Benjamin’s room so I can start organizing it tomorrow. I feel defeated when I think of all the things that need to be cleaned out and sorted and gotten rid of in this house, but I am also excited by the prospect. I think there will never be enough time to do, then I am afraid that there will be enough time.

March 23, 2020

I am writing earlier in the day today, because I realize by waiting until bedtime all I had in me was doom and gloom.

I had a ridiculous revelation this morning about my daily action list. I am supposed to PLAN for those things – not just look back to see if they happened. Duh. I did understand that earlier, but it had waned.

I started the day with a to do list that seemed very doable and included my action plans. It has turned into something that feels very difficult because I am so tired. I think it has more to do with attitude than actual fatigue, but tired I am, nonetheless. I will work to get us to bed earlier tonight and not to stay up so long worrying.

I started the organizing and it was going well…until I thought I should focus on something else. I seem to have the attention span of a flea – too much phone time, to be sure. I have to get the other things on my list done.  So far, I have

“run” ¼ mile on the treadmill – much harder than the other day to do!

Pilates

Watched Jeopardy. I was waaaay smarter than the people today. Always makes on feel good.

Showered

I put shower on the list, because I really haven’t been showering very often. It seems like a waste of time, energy, and water. Probably not a good attitude. I didn’t put get dressed on the list, because wearing anything other than my sweats seems ridiculous. I saw a meme that said try on your jeans every once in a while, because jammies are way too forgiving. I suppose that is very true. I feel quite thin J J J

I saw a post from Wayback Burgers, offering $5 off $25 take out. My first thought was that they are not going to survive this and will have to close their restaurant. Benjamin likes them and I always feel a bit bad that they don’t have much business. There were 11 comments, and I was glad they had 11 fans. I clicked and the second comment was, “Sorry. It isn’t very good.” I was so sad. Why would that guy write that? At this point, shouldn’t we just be supporting everyone? So, I wrote him a FB message. I tried to be really pleasant and explained what I just wrote and asked why he wrote a negative comment. (someone asked him about it and he responded he just didn’t care for the burger. It was hardly a condemnation – which further puzzled me as to why he would bother to write.) As soon as I sent it, I was remorse stricken and instantly apologized and said never mind. I dread his writing back, but also wonder if he will.

Wisconsin has ordered a #SafeAtHome order – everyone has to stay home and I think businesses have to be closed unless they are grocers, pharmacies, banks, etc. When I talked to Jayne yesterday she said Husko has not considered closing manufacturing, but I think now they will have to. It really is in for a penny, in for pound. Some people doing it isn’t enough. Stop everything and we will make it out sooner. Keith just ran to the bank to give some papers to the bank man through the drive through. He said traffic on Radio and Lake were about what he would expect on any afternoon. Boggled my mind.

I am making lasagna tonight, but I think we should get Taco Tuesday tomorrow, because Taco John’s is our favorite and we should support it.

It doesn’t seem hard to stay in the house, but maybe it is. Maybe that is why I can’t get anything done.

Mike texted that they have decided to keep Jonathan home. Thank goodness.

I am very worried our other house will not close next week and we will be stuck. So many other people have so many more difficult worries.

Today I am grateful that I have a house and family and a savings account.

Today I am going to call Lori.

Today I am not getting out.

Today I ran and stretched Pilates and will go 60 minutes, because I won’t stop until I do.

Today I WILL finish Liz’s card!!!!!

March 25, 2020

I couldn’t write yesterday because the computer was broken. And then it wasn’t.

Today was a better mental health day for me. I started out worrying about food, even after we had Taco John’s yesterday. Then I saw a post from Missy Habeck that she had made her mom’s stew but had to make some changes because they are making do with what they have. I decided I can make do with what I have. Until I can’t, and then I will go to the store. Tomorrow I am going to make a list of meals we can have, and what we need to make things go farther.

Maren said her kids are broken and she doesn’t know how to fix them. I certainly want to have words of wisdom, but I got nothing.

I tried being off my phone more yesterday and I think it helped. I forgot to do that today.

Today Marcos sent me two videos of him playing instruments – piano and flute. He challenged me to play a song on two different instruments. I enjoyed coming up with a second instrument and I enjoyed trying to play the flute. I could still do it, but it was rough. Keith put water in glasses for me to play Mary had a Little Lamb on them. I also played Mary had a little lamb on the flute, but up an octave from written because low notes are really hard. I challenged him to make a magazine collage picture tomorrow.

I tried calling Kristine Daly yesterday and today. Left a message yesterday, but not today. She must be out. J J J J

Governor ordered a shelter in place order today. I have been, so that is okay. Alexander is going to go half time. He thinks he might be able to get some money from the government for not working full time. He will be okay in the short run. We can help if he needs it. I peeked at the stocks today. They stopped falling today, so that was REASSURING, but I saw a headline that any gains from today will be gone before market opens tomorrow.

Al Franken wrote an essay today entitled something like Trump is an Idiot. It was so pleasant to read. I wish Al Franken were president.

We had pancakes for lunch (1.5 cups of flour! 1 egg! 1/5 cups of milk!). I seriously had to shake myself to think it was okay to use those foods to feed us. We had a frozen pizza and popcorn for dinner.

I had a goal to finish cleaning up the craft closet today, but I didn’t achieve it. I took a nap instead. Tomorrow I will.

Today I am grateful that I don’t have kids I have to entertain and teach and protect all day.

Today I connected with a couple people on FB by writing funny things to them.

Today I didn’t go out.

Today I ran .25 miles (better than yesterday, but still awfully hard), moved 60 minutes (had to walk around for 20 minutes just before writing this, just before bed) and did the Pilates.

Today I put food coloring in my cups of water to make my instrument to play my song.

March 26, 2020

I am a slug. Today I laid in my bed for a while, because there was too much to do. I was feeling exhausted, which is so weird because I haven’t done anything to be exhausted from. I am getting a solid 8 hours of sleep most nights. Huh. I literally felt like I couldn’t move, I was so overwhelmed.  This isn’t new. It happens to me quite regularly, so…

Eventually I climbed out of bed. I cleaned a little bit of the closet stuff. I have so much paper. So much. It makes me so happy just to look at the colored paper, obviously it is worth having. I also have endless notebooks and filler paper and other paper. I never use real paper. I write everything on the back of stuff that was printed on one side. Scrap paper. If I write a letter, I use stationary. I wonder what I think I will do with all of this paper. I will donate the lined paper to school, if school is ever a thing again. Weird to think that it LITERALLY could not be a thing again. I don’t believe it at all. BUT IT COULD BE. Maren asked me to sub for her for the next 5 weeks. I think she will be very glad to be working, even if she doesn’t know it.

In my imagination, I have boxes or spots in the basement for every category of stuff. I will open all of the storage places and put all of the stuff with like stuff and then organize/weed out all of it. Then it will go back into storage spots all together and I will know where everything is and what everything is and I will play with all of the things that I have to play with. Oh, the joy of that. Basically, I have just condensed Kondomarie into two sentences. I love it so much.

Although, it does bring the question of what to do with my life if I am organized. I so so so totally believe I can stay organized. I will play with all of my toys and bring joy to others and be happy. And if I am frozen in my bed, that will be okay, because the organizing will just stay organized while I am frozen. And that will be okay. Wow. Does that feel good!

I read that the MN pandemic is supposed to peak in AUGUST, with ICU beds filling that last week in July, IF WE KEEP GOOD DISTANCING IN PLACE. My head is sort of refusing to accept any of that. I think I read it wrong. Keith read that if we don’t social distance that will happen and I corrected him, but I like to think I am wrong. AUGUST? I am just thinking that it will go away. I am IN MY HOUSE. I don’t want anyone to die. If you are 80 and you die and I don’t know you and I am not feeling horrible about it. Unless I really think about it. So I am not thinking about it.

When I start thinking about the economy my head breaks. So I don’t.

Have you noticed a thread? I am really focusing on not thinking. I am pulling the wagons close and only thinking about my family. Five people, and sometimes I forget the Sean. Not on purpose; it is ridiculous, because she has been part of the family forever, but my brain just wants four. Anyway, day one of Alexander’s half time work got him to his favorite food truck, Smoke Session, before they ran out of food. They are going on a break after tomorrow. I wonder if they can’t get supplies or if they don’t want to be face to face with people. They showed a picture on FB of people queuing 6 feet apart to wait for their bbq. I wonder if that will be the way of the world now. I don’t believe it will, because I can’t believe it will.

It is just occurring to me that I won’t ever go back to work. Wow. I am stopped. There is no real financial reason for me to go to work and if I risk illness AND getting shot in a school shooting, really what is point? I am …. a bit …. staggered. I have been thinking I need to do something else with my life. Jumping off point starts now!

I don’t know where to start with my boxes/spots in the basement. I think I better just grab some thing and start. Nope! Laundry is beeping. I am saved from having to think by laundry. How is there laundry when I wear nearly the same thing every day? HAND TOWELS. I change the hand towels constantly.

Today I am grateful that I was able to get out of bed.

Today I haven’t connected with anyone. I do not have the interest.

Today I am not getting out. But tomorrow might be the day!

Today I am didn’t run because the hamstring thing is really a thing. I stretch according to the internet, am moving 60 minutes and doing Pilates.

Today there has been no beauty yet. But we are going to start Star Trek: Picard and expect that will be a thing of beauty. J

March 31, 2020

I don’t know how many days it has been. I have been in a slump, being a lump. I have had moments of just plain being afraid. The other night at midnight, I was going to bed and realized Alexander hadn’t answered my text from 4:30. Until that moment, I thought he was just being Alexander, very not text answering kind of guy. At midnight, I thought he had a raging fever, had fallen and couldn’t get up, and was hardly able to breathe. That imagine kept me up a lot of the night. I dreamed he was in a cooking contest where everyone was given one ingredient – an odd thing left in the pandemic – and had to scavenge for the rest. The people would have booths open for the public to sample and rate the wares. Alexander got a southwest style blanket. He was just standing at his booth, with his blanket on the counter, at the end. The announcer intoned, “Booth 3 did not open.” I literally woke up laughing out loud. Alexander is fine. No pandemic symptoms at all.

I invited him for dinner last night. It was going to be nice out and we could cook some steak skewers and eat outside. He came and was very good about staying far away. I washed my hands a lot, although I do not think we have any germs in our house. I washed my hands after bringing in his dishes. I hope we do not regret that. I posted a picture on Jean Roemer’s 5:00 check in, and Kay Toso commented that she likes our deck lights, and checks the colors every night when she takes her dog out. I will certainly be changing the colors every day now. I was just doing theme colors – it has been St. Patrick’s colors for three weeks until two days ago when I changed to blue to match the deck. It is multicolored dimming now.

I have been upset about food/groceries since this thing started. Today, I put in a massive (MASSIVE) delivery order to Cub. They won’t deliver until Sunday night. I don’t really believe they will deliver. I am afraid there is no food.

April 4, 2020

I am up early today. I woke up just before 7 and couldn’t get back to sleep. Too much to worry about. I stayed up late, reading a book. Yesterday, I read that people should no longer go out with wearing masks. That seems entirely reasonable to me, but still so scary that it has come to that.

The world is such a dichotomy of apocalypse and normal. I was laughing and laughing on the phone yesterday with Nancy, then cowering in terror that literally the world is ending when I went to bed last night.

What are people without jobs doing? We were supposed to sell our other house on the 31^st and it was postponed because of the assessment, but we haven’t heard anything and I am sure the people can’t buy it now. Regular people can’t make their mortgage payments – there is no way our renters can, because they only paid half of their rent last month. I don’t know how it will all work out, but it is very stressful and I am trying not to think about it.

Keith came into the bedroom gasping for air and saying he was having severe shortness of breath and I freaked out. I was crying. I thought he had covid 19, obviously, but he was just being stupid and overly dramatic because of the same shortness of breath he has been having for months. It wasn’t any worse, he was just frustrated and decided to thoughtlessly scare me right before bed. He said he thinks the whole thing is due to a mold allergy, so then at best we needed to move. Talk about a shitty thing to tell someone at midnight. I was pretty mad. And then he was all oh, how would I know that it would upset you and oh, don’t be upset with me because I didn’t know and I say use your freaking brain. Obviously, I was very upset because I am writing about it days later and I am still having emotion about it.

I was really stuck not doing anything at all for days. I just sat. Literally. I was interested in doing things, but could not get the energy to move. I talked to Donna on Thursday for hours and walked in circles the entire time and after that I felt better – like I had accomplished something. I walked and talked to Nancy yesterday and made dinner, so I felt like I accomplished a little of something.

Maren sent a link to a huge, gorgeous house with a pool last night and said they are going to look at it today. It is fabulous and they should buy it – to live in as the world ends. WHAT? Dichotomy. We are living in a science fiction story. Carbon emissions haven’t been this low since WWII. Obviously.

All of India is going to die.

If 70% of people get it and 10% of them die, then 105 people from my school will die. Not that it will be those 105 people, because the vast majority of them are children and children don’t seem to be hit as hard, but it is a way for me to wrap my head around it. I do not want my head wrapped around that.

I am so glad Maren and EB and I went to Disney World a lifetime ago.

Disney World being closed is a huge symbol of this terribleness. It is such a beacon of commercialism and it is closed. Boom.

I think I am not doing any deep cleaning because I feel like I have forever to do it and what does it matter.

I am not in as good of a place mentally this morning as I should be in the morning. I usually sink this low in the evening.

It snowed yesterday and there are flood warnings. How will people deal with a flood? It takes a lot of people to sandbag.

The world is healing itself.

What if my family doesn’t make it intact? I am not okay.