I Broke

Saturday, October 7, 2023

I wrote this on Thursday. I wanted to share what I had been going through, so you would know and so I would have my own words to remember how bad things were. Please know as you read this that I am WAY better now! (Actually, I had my covid vaccine yesterday, so I am running a fever and really feel pretty crappy, but that is WAY better than I was on Tuesday.)

*****

I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on September 14. I had waited almost 3 months for an appointment with my primary doctor to discuss my very-not-under-control blood pressure. Apparently when I made the appointment in June, I had put that I had had some intermittent blurry vision – which I thought might be related to the HBP. I had completely forgotten about it. She said blurry vision is a sign of diabetes and ordered an A1c test. The results were 6.7, which is diabetes (>=6.5). She sent a note saying I needed to go to diabetes education class as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I couldn’t schedule it until Oct 2 – this last Monday.

I wasn’t too upset. I knew it meant no treats ever again, because that is what everyone knows about diabetes. I figured it was a reasonable result (punishment) for living a carefree diet life. Since my heart went berserk in 2020, I have done nothing but gain weight, so what could I expect? I was hardly fit before that.

Keith and I tried to keep carbs low on our recent trip. I only ate half the bread of half my sandwiches, had two eggs and bacon for breakfast, and snacked on peanuts that I brought along. I did eat my small Ben & Jerry’s sample, which made me feel really bad, but Keith said if I hadn’t had my appointment before the vacation I wouldn’t even know. It would be okay. I hope it will.

I was pretty excited to get to the learning on Monday. I wanted to know things. It very quickly became so, so, so much worse than I ever have imagined.

Keith came along, because this is obviously going to affect him. It was just he and I and the teacher. I do not know her background – but she is not a dietitian.

She explained that because I am fat and sedentary my body is not making things it needs (obviously I was feeling very very very stupid and horrible about my being such a complete loser that I made this happen). I need to control my blood sugar through a careful diet. Gotcha – that’s what people know about diabetes.

It was the diet that sent me over the deep end. I can eat lunch and dinner from a 9” plate, and should not have any more than fits on that plate. I should fill it with high fiber vegetables – try to get 28-30 grams of fiber each day. I should eat kale and pinto beans and squash and collard greens and cauliflower and broccoli and chia seeds – up to three cups raw or 1.5 cups of those at lunch and dinner (but only what fits on the 9” plate). I like broccoli. Sort of. I can have 3 ounces of lean meat – chicken or turkey or fish (no fish! I hate fish.) – for lunch and dinner (but her opinion was that I should try to start weaning meat out of my diet completely). I need to have a small number of carbs at each meal. She suggested I have 8 oz. of milk for breakfast (not with breakfast, for breakfast). I could have that at lunch and dinner for my carbs as well, but if I wanted something else, I could have 3-4 medium strawberries or a small potato with 1 teaspoon of margarine on it. Those are at least food I can eat, although eating a primarily dry potato is not my first choice. She assured me that I would be eating enough to keep me full, because fiber-filled vegetables keep you full. She said if I needed a snack (and I wondered how you could NOT need a snack) I could have 10 peanuts. Or 4 half pecans.

I laughed out loud. I thought she was kidding. She showed me in the book she was giving me. Ten peanuts or four half pecans. She conspiratorially told me sometimes she just grabs as many as 15 peanuts. It’s okay now and then.

It was starting to feel like a very not funny Saturday night live sketch.

I was wondering if I was going to have to swallow each bit of the high fiber veggies that I hate like a pill so I wouldn’t have to taste it. Every meal. For the rest of my life. I guess I could. I did wonder why I would want to have a life if that was what it was going to be. I am NOT proud of the fact that there are a LOT of foods I do not like. I tried, and tried, and tried (over many years) to like fish. I do not.

Eating in a restaurant or at parties is a thing of the past. If I am gathering, I should eat my food before I go. I could have carrots at a party, but keep it less than 1/3 cup, so a baby carrot. Traveling also seemed a thing of the past, because without food it’s hard to go. I also should NOT skip any meals – that is critical. It will cause spikes in blood sugar if I do and that is the absolute worst. (It was kinda funny because after leaving this meeting, I did not eat for 24 hours because I could not imagine eating anything, ever. Food is poison. Food is bad. Do not eat it. But eat it!) (I was NOT IN A GOOD PLACE.)

We went home with a book. I went up and down – crying and laughing. Fats could be eaten a teaspoon at a meal. I think a teaspoon is an ingredient increment, not a serving size, and I laughed. Then I cried because that is my life now. Because I am a horrible person and caused this. Oooff. That’s hard. So I cried. Keith said we could do it! We would do it together! I cried because I ruined his life along with mine.

I can have 8 ounces of diet soda I can’t even have a diet soda. I can have 2/3 of a diet soda.

I can have a cut of fresh mushrooms. I can’t even just eat mushrooms, which I like. I thought they were air. I thought you could just eat them, plain, if you wanted to.

Apparently there is not a single food that I can eat freely – food is a web of interacts (of course) and I can’t have too much of anything.
I thought I needed to stop working because I would need to fulltime try to figure out how to cook things so I could swallow them and not have too much of something to the detriment of everything else.

Talk about overwhelmed.

There was so much crying. Keith said we WOULD be able to travel – we could order from grocery stores and get vegetables delivered. We would never eat peas or corn because they are never allowed. He was trying so hard and I just cried. Then I stopped. Then it would just slap me in the face THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL AND THIS IS FOREVER. THIS IS EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Oooof. Hard. Scary.

My toes have been numb most of the past couple years and I figured that was a sign that I was already having nerve damage from the diabetes. I internet-ed it and it said any nerve damage is irreversible. So, some day they were going to cut off my feet. I would be in a wheelchair.

Ooooof.

I slept an hour, then just circled up hard and thought. I tried to think about swallowing the bad food whole and that I would get full and not have to gag. I thought about how lame I am for having let this happen. I thought about how lame I am for not knowing I was letting this happen. I thought about how afraid I was. I thought I should just die because what was the point? I couldn’t think of anything happy or positive or possible.

When Keith got up I was ugly crying in the family room because I didn’t know how to kill myself.

Ooooof. Scary.

I doubt that I was really going to kill myself if I knew how. I read a Reader’s Digest article when I was in high school (ish?) that told about all the people who failed suicide and were left disabled, in a nursing home, etc. I kept thinking I had to do it right, but I didn’t know how.

Tuesday was not a good day. I cried a lot. I went swimming because you cannot cry underwater. I swam laps and thought that if I had swum more and floated less and wasn’t a bad person, this wouldn’t have happened. I thought about letting people know I was diabetic would be admitting (shouting from the mountain tops!) that I was a complete failure and bad person.

Ooooof.

Keith kept saying I could still eat meat and we could use spices and it would be okay. I agreed. Then the EVERY DAY! FOREVER! would sweep in and hit me. I had slept an hour and eaten nothing in almost a day at that point and I was NOT IN A GOOD PLACE.

I asked the internet for help – is it possible to live a different way – the googles said it is not a mistake, it is not reversible, and you need to change your lifestyle. Darn.

Keith made a 6-ounce pork chop with ¼ cup of stuffing and green beans. It was way too much meat, but he said eat it and I did. I definitely felt better. I have noticed in the 36 hours since that first (semi-wrong) meal that I sort of shake when I eat anything – food is wrong! I am hoping that goes away.

I slept an hour, then woke Keith up crying. He was reading menu suggestions at 2am from the Mayo Clinic that did not sound nearly as bad as the lady told me. Maybe there could be a compromise. I just cried and cried. I was useless. He was terrific. After hours of trying to encourage me, he said I should think of happy things and try to sleep. I couldn’t think of anything happy, which was scary. He suggested thinking about walking around looking at doors in Treorchy (Wales) – every door was different. I imagined the doors, of us walking down the streets; I saw myself seeing the distant outdoor laundromat. I was walking closer when I fell asleep. Yay outside laundry!

I slept two hours and got up for work. I read that I can have 7 eggs/week, so I fried an egg dry in a non-stick pan and put it on a half a piece of whole grain toast (instead of the glass of milk because that’s not a meal). As expected, if you are hungry enough even things you don’t really like are pretty easy to eat.

I went to work. I walked in (for the first time this year) and my co-teacher said, “Hi, how are you?!” I asked if she wanted “fine” or the truth. Truth! I said, “I was just diagnosed with diabetes, I went to the class Monday night, and I have pretty much been crying since.” She uttered a really reassuring bit of profanity (NO KID IN SCHOOL YET!) and I felt like she was on my side. She said her mom has diabetes and doesn’t follow any change of diet. She just doesn’t. Her gramma checked her blood sugar and if it was really high, she didn’t eat candy that day. She lived to be 93.

OKAY!! I can do better than that, but maybe I don’t have to only eat vegetables that I don’t like. (We had looked and looked and couldn’t even figure out anything that I could eat in 1/4 cup – ½ cup increments that was going to give me 28-30 gram of fiber every day. We will keep trying.)

MATH SAVED ME! I was totally absorbed in something other than myself (PHEW!) No crying. No worrying. Just hanging out with an awesome teacher and some amazing groups of 8^th graders. Keith sent a message that he had talked with a friend who has diabetes who reported his doctor said an A1c of 6.7 is very low and he wouldn’t be too concerned about it – focus on lowering carbs (NOT eating is doable!!), losing weight, and exercising. I don’t know what I can do to exercise (I just gained weight walking 10 miles/day, so I have to do better than that), but I will figure it out because I have gotten a grip on that not dying is better.

I felt like myself when I got home. We will do this together. I will eat as many vegetables as I can – without dressing and without adding butter. I will eat 3 ounces of chicken. I will eat the skin from a small apple for a snack. These are things I can do.

*****

Saturday night

I am much better! I am still afraid of food, but I am getting some down. I will keep learning! Maren brought me the adorable Jellycat Marshmallows (the potd) on Wednesday night, because those are the only kind I can have. 🙂 She came because Keith actually MADE A PLAN (not usually his deal) and asked her to spend time with me while he was at the dance gig.