It was Good

Saturday, April 20, 2024

We went to the final Collide dance company show, Broadway, tonight. I am already looking forward to getting tickets for next season.

I went to the celebration of life for my friend and co-worker, Lori, this afternoon. I went with my good friend, Maren, who works closely with Lori’s daughter. We were meeting other coworkers. I was glad for the company, because I just didn’t know what to expect. I will be honest; when Lori passed in December, I wanted a funeral/gathering. I wanted to be with other people who were sad, and I wanted to share my sad with them. I didn’t want to wait until April (scheduled to coincide with her birthday. She was a BIG birthday celebrator). Today, I wasn’t sad. I knew it was called a celebration of life…but…what is that? I have seen Lori’s husband and daughter and I have shared hugs and memories and thoughts. What was today going to be? I didn’t know. (Hi. Hi. Lori was really something, wasn’t she? Yep. How are you? Fine. You?) Like I said, I was happy to have companions.

We arrived in the parking lot nearly exactly when the thing was supposed to start. As we walked to meet the people we were planning to meet, more Woodbury Middle School coworkers started joining us – appearing out of their cars as if from nowhere. It seemed everyone had the same idea to come at the start. We were more than a dozen as we walked in. There were lots of big round tables, with orange decorations in the center (Lori was NOT shy about letting you know about her love of the color orange. Every one of us WMSers was wearing orange of some kind. As more school folks joined in during the time we were there, I noticed almost everyone wore some orange. I thought it was really nice), and picture boards across the room.

And I started to cry.

Wow. I did not see that coming. Turns out I was sad. 🙂 I stepped to the side to wrangle the tears before things got really ugly. The others greeted the family and looked at pictures. I dripped. I decided to find a restroom to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. I smiled wanly at people coming in as I was walking toward the exit. I felt a bit stupid, since this was a celebration and I was not celebrating very well, but it was okay. I walked into the restroom and really started to cry. Huuuuh. No one was there and there was a chair, so I took some tissues and just sat there and had a good cry.

I thought about Lori and how hard she wanted to beat cancer. I thought about how awful her initial diagnosis was and how she gave it her all anyway. I thought about how it was just not fair in any way that she really didn’t get anything she wanted – to work, to travel, to spend quality time with her people – after her chemo started. I have thought a lot about that since it all started. It I receive such a diagnosis, I wonder if I will fight to the end like she did, or just buy a plane ticket to Tokyo Disneyland, then spent my minutes with my people. I got done crying and was just sitting there – actually thinking about the fact that I don’t remember ever seeing a chair in a restaurant restroom before, but it was perfect for me today – when an older lady (I am older. She was old) came in. She looked right at me and said, “Huh,” and continue into a stall. Huh, indeed. I wiped away the waterworks and went back to the party. I went for snacks first, because snacks seemed safer than talking to Lori’s family. I eventually got to see them.

There were Bit o’ Honey and Smarties by the orange centerpieces. I don’t know why – I mean, maybe Lori liked them, maybe they just had some lying around. What I do know, is that there were at least 1000 Atomic fireballs in her classroom when I left it in December 2022. She like cinnamon. I liked cinnamon. We sat in her classroom, before school started in August 2022, and ate HOT cinnamon candy (and wimpy cinnamon Jolly Ranchers. Weak) and talked about our plans for the semester and her thoughts about future plans. It was cards on the table, honest talk. I think I will always remember that day, especially when I eat cinnamon. Well, there weren’t any cinnamon candies today, but I went around to a bunch of the tables and swiped one Bit o’ Honey. I didn’t want to be that lady (in orange) who ate all the candy from some table, but I wanted to be the lady who ate candy and remembered Lori while I did it.